“Light is to be yourself in the midst of people, darkness is to know yourself in the darkest corners of the soul.”
That’s what I was told on a dark night when I was coming home. I had wondered what “Absolute Darkness” and “Absolute Light” were — then I found fascinating the philosophical question of past teachings, alchemists, occultists, and monks who sought the meaning of life through the symbolism of encoded messages. Alas, I later understood the veiled metaphor of the obvious.
I walked thoughtfully along the sidewalk over schisms that seemed to spring from the depths of my being, but I swear I never put them that way. Maybe this urge was what people call “the soul to talk to you,” I wasn’t very sure. Still, a sense of excitement came over me just as I thought about testing this sentence.
I decided to pack my bags and go to the mountains – yes, there is a mountain nearby, so beautiful and majestic, and every time I think about my big problems, one look at it is enough to shrink my world to dust.
So, with my poetic soul, I packed some luggage, but to fulfill the drama of the dedication, I decided to do it at night – I started out with the darkness first, because this world originated from the vast black cosmos, and then it gave birth to the first star , then “And God said: Let there be light!”
I reached the place I could find in the darkness of the forest, so intuitively I made myself a blanket and told her to fall asleep. But I couldn’t, I was shivering. I was a little scared, I wanted to experience the darkness so I could understand the message. And then it came, but it was formulated as follows: “The real darkness is to be with yourself in eternity.” And wasn’t it so: even if I was in the mountains for half an hour in the middle of the night, in the woods, alone, it was so terribly scary, all I heard was a very light breeze moving the noise to my head as I lay there, and my thoughts raced. it was as if they were becoming louder and quieter. Closing my eyes, I gathered courage, as if in this forest all the swaying branches were parts of me, coming out of my soul, pointing to me. My heart was pounding, as if I had learned the most important thing about everything and everyone. And I heard a voice, “Lie down in humility, stand up humbly,” and I stood up ritually, bowing to the nothingness in the forest.
I left almost immediately because I was trembling for the next part of the initiation, and this time I could not be afraid, because the sun would be present and be my friend. But come to think of it, the bright light illuminates the fears, so whether it was a good idea – definitely! I felt like I was revealing parts of myself that I had known about before, but hadn’t looked closely.
I didn’t sleep all night, I longed to get to the place, I had to wait for the Sun, and it bothered me a little, but it also excited me. It was as if the Sun was a long-time friend with whom I had a meeting and I just couldn’t wait to see and talk.
When it came time to go out, I had no idea where I would do the second part of my dedication, and I just left. I wanted it to be as beautiful as possible in the middle of nature, but I was exhausted from waking up and would not take a long time, so I headed to a park.
And there on a green hill, I saw a tree, and in the park everywhere people. Sticking back and forth, they didn’t matter to me, and the tree invited me with its loneliness – I knew that initiation was “in the middle of the crowd”, but it was as if I now understood the meaning of loneliness, when one must protect oneself at all costs, otherwise the world it will crash on it and crush it to the dust particles of the supernova’s cosmic composition millions and millions of kilometers and light years away. Namely, light years, this will be the distance between the person and the “crowd”, if he goes too far. This is the danger of insensibility, but initiation does not invent this meaning, but on the contrary – intimacy with people, but in a certain way. Intimacy that does not hurt as painfully as in the early years of the naive born in the human world.
So I got my dedication to the light, without even having to get to the place I set out to do, and yet I climbed the hill, looked around, time seemed to have stopped, all the people froze in their places, no one was looking at me even though to be complete. I touched the rough bark of the tree, closed my eyes, and just thanked him. All the thoughts before that were enough, and the silence in those few seconds, in which I felt with closed eyes the life of the stem, the roots in the soil, the sun and the air, its ether. Everything vibrated in a totally frozen state of warmth.
I left and I knew that this dedication would unfold in my years of life – “Being yourself in the crowd” is a beating protected heart from unjust blasphemies, which are tests of resilience and motivation to live.
In my mind, I connected the two parts of a whole experience and looked at the unpaved path in front of me – I knew I would see myself in a miracle, because the dedication opened the door to the life I wanted to live consciously. A difficult but valuable path, which I was not afraid of then, but I was anxious to find out if it was rightly said in the inner dialogue of the soul: “Absolute darkness is to be with yourself in timelessness, and Absolute light is to be yourself in the middle the crowd. “
Author: Dimo Vasilev, 10.5.2021 г.